Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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