I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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