like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize