the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
