So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
