I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
