I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
