and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
