and you said cock pushups were impossible
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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