Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
