Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
