I'm going to jail i love you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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