we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
