My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize