I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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