just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
