Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he puts the penis in happiness.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
