worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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