I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
