God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We have so much sex to catch up on
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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