he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
