I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize