Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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