We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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