You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
