Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
