she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
