I love black thongs
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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