OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
