This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i now understand why vodka
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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