she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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