I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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