I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
