Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
