Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
