FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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