then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
