I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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