Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
