Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
