Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
