Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
