I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
