Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
