probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
