The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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