Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
