We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
