I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
