sarcasm needs its own font
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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