So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize