Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The Olympian is in my bed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
