She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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