Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize