'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
