I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
