and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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