I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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