There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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