i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
