if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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