Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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