i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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