Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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