I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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