I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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