someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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